Choose Yourself
When I was a little girl, all I wanted when I grew up was to be an actress. I was obsessed with musical theater — belting out Miss Saigon in my living room, feeling like a “chosen one” my Jr. year when Anthony Rapp sang “Seasons of Love” with us on stage, and praying my Senior year that I’d be chosen to perform on “the line” in our production of A Chorus Line. See, being an actress meant waiting (and hoping) to be chosen. At least that was DEFINITELY the case in my formative years.
I was a bit of a late bloomer. Still am, in some ways. I was short, looked 16 when I was 20, and always felt there was a discrepancy between my inside, and how people perceived me on the outside.
But yet I marched on in the direction of my dreams. First to Northwestern, where I majored in Theatre, and tried to prove myself to a program director who was not known to be a nurturing presence. “Choose me! Choose me,” my insides screamed, as I auditioned for the prestigious Musical Theater Certificate program. I was accepted my second year (late bloomer), but I was chosen.
After I graduated I stayed in Chicago for a year — not yet feeling the confidence to move to The Big Apple. I remember going on my very first professional auditions and wondering if I’d EVER be chosen. I was, in fact, and multiple times, performing in stages big and small across the Chicagoland area. But being “chosen” in Chicago didn’t feel like enough. I still needed my Big Dreams validated. Next stop, New York City!
Could I cut it in New York? Would I be chosen in a city with thousands of singers, dancers, actors, all vying for the same jobs? Much to my surprise, I started working pretty quickly! And soon I found myself in a professional production of A Chorus Line. At first I wasn’t chosen to be on the line, but instead as a swing — late bloomer alert — though soon I’d be chosen for the line in the role of Maggie on a tour to Hawaii! I was not chosen for Broadway.
Pivot.
Could I be chosen for tv? Though I loved musical theater, I didn’t feel like I quite fit into the world — once again, how I was perceived on the outside wasn’t corresponding with what my insides had to offer. How could I prove myself as a serious actress? How could I get agents and casting directors to choose me?
Thankfully, I found myself under the tutelage of a great teacher, Wynn Handman who yes, “chose me,” but also instilled a sense of ownership and confidence in my work.
Since I wasn’t getting the opportunities I desired in the tv/film world, I decided, for the first time, to choose myself. And, as a way to create a calling card for myself on screen, produced a series designed for the web — Missed Connections Live. This is significant for a few reasons. First, it was the first act in which I wasn’t a “late bloomer,” but instead a pioneer. Soon I found myself invited to be in the inaugural WGAe Digital Caucus among other promising creators. It also instilled in me a real sense of ownership & pride. I had a voice! I could engage with other creators not as someone saying “Choose me! Choose me,” but instead as a colleague.
Would they choose me in LA?
I moved to Los Angeles hoping to be chosen. And I was. I booked roles on Grimm, Grey’s Anatomy, True Detective & Masters of Sex. I also continued nurturing my skills as a content creator. I made my own feature film with the support of some incredible colleagues and then….I stopped being chosen. What happened? Was I with the wrong representation? Was it my hair? Was I auditioning poorly? Was the stress of trying to survive in LA effecting my opportunities?
Pivot.
Choose yourself.
I had a now stronger voice & something important to say. I wrote and co-directed a short film, “R.V,” that garnered much success on the festival circuit and online. I was now a bonafide filmmaker. And so I marched on, choosing myself. I co-founded a company to translate my storytelling skills in the business world. I made another film. And wrote & produced & starred in a solo play that still has a bright future ahead.
And yet, I find myself yearning, in a way, to be chosen again. To work on someone else’s set. To have someone else hire & pay me for my craft.
On some level we ALL want to be chosen. And that’s ok. But there’s a difference between seeking to be chosen at the expense of your own self-esteem (“Choose me!”), and stepping into spaces with full ownership of your value, your mastery, and the magic that is uniquely your own.
For me, perhaps in order to reignite the aspect of my career where I am consistently hired by others, I had to full-on commit to myself. To find, nurture and grow my own voice. So I can contribute all of who I am in whatever medium — stage, screen or coaching / consulting spaces.
I encourage you to do the same! In the end, only you can give yourself what you most need. So when you are feeling stuck, when you are feeling like a late bloomer. When you are feeling like how you are perceived on the outside does not match who you know yourself to be on the inside, stop.
Pivot.
Melissa Center is an actor, writer, filmmaker, co-founder & creative consultant. Check out her acting/filmmaking work on melissacenter.com. Bring her in to your company: www.wholeselfsystems.com Work one-on-one with Melissa to create your own work: http://melissacenter.com/help-me-tell-my-story.
